On the challenge of fitting in
"It is no measure of health being well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society"
Back in late 2022, off the back of a battle with (what I thought was) ‘long covid’ (a detailed and fairly nuanced story that I won’t directly describe in this post), the ending of a fifteen year relationship, a major fall leading to significant injury, and a few other interconnected gems of this paradox we call life, I penned this essay.
The core of this content was originally intended as an acceptance letter to an action research doctorate program. It was part of a long term, ongoing and recursive process to ‘find my place’. In other words, my attempt to fit in.
If we were sat around a campfire right now, ready to engage in the true spirit of dia-logos, my approach to this topic would be a tad more nuanced. Given that we are not, at least for now, I’m going to open up some possibility in the form of a short musing.
Let me start this very basic ‘seeding process’ with a claim.
It’s not about fitting in.
Again.
It is not about fitting in.
I believe there are a number of significant issues associated with something like the ‘goal’ of fitting in. One relates to the subtitle above. With human civilization so out of whack with anything we might reasonably consider balance, a fitting in might be likened to a reinforcing of what is now very clearly an unhealthy paradigm (a life eroding civilisational trajectory if you will). Another is in the separateness such framing implies. We are never as disconnected, isolated or individual as we think. We are relational beings, an evolutionary process, part of a greater whole. Another, somewhat paradoxically, is in the expression of our agency. I’m gonna leave this seeming contradiction in the air right now, mostly because we need to get better at holding different and potentially competing truths. Enjoy!
M
E
T
A
M
O
D
E
R
N
Anyone?
Moving on…
This is not to say that something like the conventional (not to be confused with ‘ultimate’) self is wrong, illusory or inherently unhelpful. It’s more to suggest that certain narratives have resulted in a deep kind of disconnect that seems causally contributive to many of our biggest issues (from the inner-self all the way through to the civilisational stack and it’s impact on biospheric systems).
I feel like I’ve realised this a number of times. I’ve had lots of ‘mini awakenings’. Each time I move closer to ‘right relation’.
Even though this is the case, there are soooooooo many forces attempting to pull me back into something closer to a status quo patterning. My current one is pretty simple, it’s about money. More specifically, how I can ‘fit it’ in such a way that I can generate some income that helps me fund the basics of life, specifically the responsibilities I have as a parent.
This is not the first, or even tenth time I’ve grappled with such an issue.
There’s a real tension here. And it’s a tricky one. I mean, how does one live fairly wholesomely when there’s moral and cognitive dissonance in something close to their each and every interaction?
Do you feel this too?
The number of folks I speak to who do a job that is super disconnected from their values is crazy. Most have their coping mechanisms. But all struggle in their own way.
So, the question(s) becomes something closer to; what does it mean to wisely and holistically develop as a being? How might such a developmental trajectory inform ones contribution to a greater whole, regardless of the scale (family, community, organisation, bioregion etc. etc.)? How does one balance a deeper relationality with something like the deliberate cultivation of individual identity? Where are the opportunities to live in more direct relation to your values? How can we spend more time doing what really makes our heart sing? What are the ways in which we might move beyond what some have frame as BS jobs, and towards more value-sensitive, biophysically literate contributions to society?
If you’ve ever had these questions, you’re not alone.
Now, before some of you fall off your stool, please know I know that many of the questions I’ve framed above come from a position of privilege. There is barely a minute that goes by where I don’t express some form of gratitude for the life I am living. So much of it, irrespective of certain challenges, is stunningly beautiful.
And we all know, philosophy comes after survival (for most!).
With this out of the way, let us not get distracted. For many, these are important questions that are worthy of attention. And, at least from my perspective, they exist in service to many of the other questions that deeply matter, namely how we find ways to live in a biophysically sustainable society where everyone has what they need to live a healthy and dignified life.
Okay, seed planted. Let’s discuss with care and curiosity.
To sign off, let me also express some clearer vulnerability. Right now I am in the active process of exploring how I can balance meaningful contribution with income generation. I cannot do justice to what I do, how I contribute and the importance of it all with a title or short functional description.
I could say that I’ve developed an organisational design framework, drawing on many branches of philosophy, systems theory, the cognitive sciences and other disciplines, that supports organisations in transforming so that they become verifiably trustworthy (benevolence, integrity and competence). This shift in orientation can help better direct all forms of capital towards what truly matters, a more holistic value system that works to bring life itself back into balance (so that we increase the probability of a truly preferable future for all…).
But even that requires space to explore and semantically unpack.
So, my ask is this. If you know a little about me and what I ‘do’, please have a think about who I might be able to speak to. If you’re willing, make a connection. I’m here with my arms and heart well and truly open.
With love as always fellow earthians. With love.